Mother's Been!

The last few days have been a bit of a trial. Not only have I been working long hours but we've also been busy in the garden and Mother's been!
I had a day off in between long hours of work on Sunday. It was lovely. I stayed in bed for the entire morning generally bumming around and reading and then I got up and spent the entire afternoon playing with plants in the garden. It was so peaceful! The birds were twittering in the trees, it was pleasantly warm and me and Mr J. were working side by side in perfect harmony putting plants in the garden, edging the borders and breaking up soil. Like I say, lovely.............................. Until Neurotic Nellie and her oddly dysfunctional family came out next door. Oh dear. They're loons. I mean, she's a nice enough person to stand and chat to for 10 minutes or so but....... well lets just say that when it comes to brains she hasn't quite developed. Bless!
Anyway, as I was saying, they all came out for their afternoon garden play. Herself, her two kids, the boyfriend, her brother, the dog and her 5 cats. They have a ritual. She kicks the ball for the dog, he stands around looking helpless (the boyfriend not the dog), the kids play in the soil, she stands barking orders at him on how to watch out for the kids and then the whole cycle repeats itself. It all adds up to glorious summer fun. Oh, did I say fun? I meant noise. Actually no, it'a all one big, loud, irritating, shoot them all dead kind of racket.
The other day a brand spanking new table, chairs and lounger set complete with matching umbrella appeared. Looks like we'll be saying goodbye to peaceful summer days and evenings then!
Yesterday Mother turned up armed with yet another Easter Egg each for the kids. I try to keep her at arms length on a permanent basis but every so often she just sneaks through when my guard is down and I always end up wishing I had of made myself very busy. Yesterday was such a day. She turns up all happy and inside I can feel one of my headaches coming on. She was dragging with her a plastic dog on wheels. Actually it wasn't really a dog it was a box to store gardening tools in that very cleverly doubles as a seat. I'm not quite sure what purpose we will use it for but I'm sure she means well. They bought us a plant or two as well. That was nice. The garden is in dire shortage of plants. The thing is, it would be a whole lot easier all round if she would just leave the gifts and go back home. I know, that sounds selfish but you haven't met mother! With the gifts come the instructions on what to do, how to do it, when to do it, what it should be done with ..................... the list goes on. You see, in her eyes I am a dumb, helpless teenager who is totally incapable of doing anything without a whole list of instructions. I will be 37 this year!
Then we get the rest of mother. She comes in the house looking hopeful for a cup of tea and a sandwich. I managed to do the tea without scolding myself and cut the sandwich with a very sharp knife that didn't come with instructions and golly gosh I didn't even cut myself! Not a nick in sight! Phew, that was a relief then! It was a tense moment!
After she had had her appetite filled she then looked at my belly, the one I mentioned earlier that has a habit of popping out over the top of my jeans. She then poked me in the afore mentioned belly with "that look". Now, I wouldn't normally mind someone doing that. I can take a joke, a hint and all the rest of it without crying but you have to bear in mind that mother is probably 3 times the size of me! Ok, I'm exagerating, she's twice the size of me. And she goes to slimming club! How dare she poke me in the stomach and act as though she is slimmer of the year. When I mentioned this she just said that she didn't have a belly like that when she was my age! I've since been scouring through the old photo's I have to check if this is true. It's difficult to say because she seems to have cunningly disguised her belly in all of them. She does look a little chunky though! I bet she did!

Pissy Weather!

It's been a quietish kind of day so far.
It's probably something to do with the fact that it's done nothing but piss it down since I bothered to shift my arse out of bed this morning. People tend to stay indoors when it's like this. I was going to go out into the garden and put all the plants in that we bought last week. I'd got it all planned and was quite looking forward to it. But, like I said, it's pissing it down so I can't. It gets me down, this weather. I'm cold as well. The kind of cold that chills right through to the bones. I'm thinking on investing in a huge big chunky jumper to cover me right down to my knees. The problem is getting hold of one. I'm tall you see so they don't usually make 'em that big. And big chunky jumpers like that aren't in fashion anymore. It's all these little dinky things that show off your belly. That's good if you have a lovely belly to show off but mine's covered in stretch marks and is a little bit flabby. It has a bad habit of popping out over the top of my jeans so I spend the whole day popping it back in. I hate seeing the little flabby bits hanging out. It's not nice. Maybe I will find someone who can knit me a huge jumper. I can knit but it would take me forever. I once knitted my ex a jumper. It took me 4 months to complete and that was knitting at speed! I have dyslexic hands you see. They can only cope with a certain speed and after that they seem to go into spasms and do what they want.
Anyway, on the good side, the two little shits haven't darkened my doorstep as of yet. The two little shits are the brats who live 5 doors down the road. Sadly they just happen to be the same age as my two little darlings. Even more sadly, my two have become friends with them. I hate them! They are the most irritating little shits I have ever come across. The youngest is a know-it-all-knows-nothing type. The sort that spouts unbelieveable bullshit in a very knowledgeable kind of way. It would be great if you could just turn a deaf ear to it all but he doesn't just tell you these things from afar. He comes and tells you a few inches from your face. I find my fists are curled very tightly by my sides when he does that. If I had nails I would dig into the flesh of my palms. It takes the most amazing amount of willpower not to punch him in the face. Trouble is, the authorities would be on to me if I did that. I wish he would bugger off and play elsewhere. I have no time for him or his brother. His brother has an annoying habit of supposedly being absolutely brilliant at every game going. At least that's what he says anyway. Of course it's just a ploy so he can have a go on the xbox/playstation game that my youngest is playing at the time. When he does finally get a go it turns out that he isn't the greatest after all. It gives me mild satisfaction watching my youngest beat him!
Anyway, that's why I call them the little shits. I'm trying to think of a more suitable name for them but I can't right now so little shits will just have to do until I can.

Why?

Why oh why oh why did I do something as utterly stupid as having kids? What do you get in return? Nothing!
I was sitting in my usual place this evening, doing my usual thing - that being nothing much - when I heard crying and whimpering coming from upstairs. "Oh here we go again" I thought to myself. "The kids are arguing over the PC yet again."
Strangely though, I heard the TV on downstairs in the living room so I popped my head round the door and was most surprised to see the youngest sitting quietly watching TV on her own! Yet the whimpering upstairs was still going on and changing to a wailing which soon moved on to bawling. Now bearing in mind I only have 2 of the little darlings and, to my knowledge, the little shits who live down the road weren't there (we'll talk about the little shits later) I thought "this is most odd." So, I go upstairs to the kids room thinking that maybe the eldest is having a good cry about the recent death of our cat. Nope! She is crying because the kid that she created on the PC game of The Sims won't go to school! ?*%$£^%*??
I have come to the conclusion that my kids just aren't normal. They can't be! I mean, crying over a game that she is playing by herself? It's almost too painful to bear!