Extreme Power Tools? Extreme Cock more likely!

Today saw the commencement of Operation Cabin Bed.  My kids needed new beds and the youngest daughter wants one of these high cabin bed things with the desk and everything underneath.  So we looked into it and tried not to faint at the ridiculous price they were going for.  I know wood is expensive and all but some of the prices were crazy............ and way out of our price range!  After much discussion we figured it would be much cheaper if we could buy the timber needed and make it ourselves.  Cue the next few hours drawing and re-drawing of plans and discussing sizes and styles.  The big mistake was involving aforementioned daughter in design plans.  You'd think involving her would be the right thing to do but she has a wild imagination with big ideas that sound great in theory but she kind of forgets that we're normal people with limited skills and cashflow!  She also forgets that doing something (such as sitting in a cramped position) once or twice every so often is way different to doing something all the time.

Anyway, having looked at her current bed, considered the salvageable parts and worked out the difference between what she wants and needs, we finally came to a decision on what to do and how much timber we'd need to actually buy.  Naturally, it's not just the timber.  The right tools to do the job are a must - according to my long suffering partner anyway!  Apparently the little black and decker mouse sander we have is insufficient for such a task!  We need a proper belt sander, a planer and a power screwdriver.  We're not talking just little things - we're talking 'decent' ones!  Hmmmmmm.............. Boys and their toys come to mind!

After much searching and discovering that a 'decent' power tool can prove to be expensive, we finally came across some reasonably priced, highly recommended (if the customer reviews are to be believed) tools that would supposedly do the job.  A little shopping spree to Argos soon delivered the 'necessary' tools!  We are now the proud owners of a series of Challenge "Extreme" Tools.  Extreme? Seriously?   It would appear that certain warnings are missing from the instructions.  Warnings such as:

• Not adviseable for use by men who already have a large penis as further enlargement is unlikely.
• Only to be used by men who have the ability to say "Fuck Yeah!" on every rotation of the drill/sander/planer and really mean it.
• It is adviseable to wear a tight fitting vest and shorts when using these products to ensure the best possible performance.
• Not to be used by women.  They have knitting and wool to play with.

Huh!  Extreme?  What, they take you to the very limit do they? 

Does Sanding down a piece of wood leave you full of adrenaline rush and unable to take any more? 

Does planing down wood with a whole load of electric power leave you on the edge and in danger of falling off?

Does the act of putting in a screw leave you shaking uncontrollably?  

I think not.  Exteme?  My Arse!  They're ordinary, run of the mill electrically enhanced tools that help take the strain out of doing it by hand.  For all you men out there, looking to buy something to make life easier - They're NOT Extreme! 

Definition of extreme:

ex·treme

   /ɪkˈstrim/ Show Spelled [ik-streem] Show IPA adjective, ex·trem·er, ex·trem·est, noun adjective

1. of a character or kind farthest removed from the ordinary or average: extreme measures.

2. utmost or exceedingly great in degree: extreme joy.

3. farthest from the center or middle; outermost; endmost: the extreme limits of a town.

4. farthest, utmost, or very far in any direction: an object at the extreme point of vision.

5. exceeding the bounds of moderation: extreme fashions.

Power tools do NOT come under this category!  Deal with it!



 

Noise, Parking and Neighbours

Forgive me father for I have sinned............ It's been 4 years since my last confession............

Four years is a long time and lots of things have happened.  Too much to mention in this blog and most of it boring anyway.  But I'll give you a quick peek at some of it. 

Most noticeably is the Loons next door have gone.  They did a midnight flit and buggered off to Germany about 3 years ago.  For a few months the house lay empty and it was sheer bliss!  I could re-decorate into the early hours and make as much noise as I wanted to without complaint.  It was nice not having to listen to the shouting and screeching that invariably occurred on a daily basis.  But, eventually, the council cottoned on to the fact the house was empty.  Maybe it was the lack of rent being paid or maybe another neighbour reported it empty - who knows - but a team of workmen were sent in to re-modernise the house and clean it out.  

During this time a young couple with a kid (or was it two?) came to view the house.  Being the perfect neighbour that I obviously am, I went out to say hello and introduce myself.  They said that they had won the bid for the property and were moving in.  So, I was to get new neighbours and soon it would seem.  But, the weeks went by and nothing happened.  I never saw the young couple again.  

Come January/February time things started to happen next door.  Movement was noticed and the sounds of decorating began.  A young girl came knocking at my door apologising for the noise.  She had a young baby.  Eventually they moved in.  The first thing I noticed was the loudness of her chap.  I still don't know his name, I just call him 'Dickhead!'  He has the most amazing loud voice.  I don't think he shouts, he doesn't need to, but he's incredibly loud.  He's also shit at parking.  I don't think family life was quite for him though because he only lasted about 6 months before moving back out - presumably to the comfort of Mummy and Daddy!  The trouble is he comes back to see his kid on a far too regular basis.  And when he does we're subjected to much whooping each and every time.  I wouldn't mind so much but his 'whooping' seems to coincide with my night shifts and I'm frequently woken up by him.  He's still shit at parking too.  There are so many absent fathers around these days so how come we have to be subjected to the noisy sod who is very much present?

The kid is a pain up the arse and would appear to take after her father in terms of noise.  She's now nearly 3 years old and I have so far been subjected to crying episodes 4 or 5 times a day, banging episodes (I'm guessing of the cot against the wall) 3 times a day, currently we're on the temper tantrum stage which can be any number of times a day starting from 3.  I have never known a kid cry so much!  She's always wailing.  I may have to make a few suggestions if it carries on.  I'm sure a cattle prod would be highly effective.  It could work for the boyfriend/father too but I'm preferring a sniper rifle to take him out!  The very latest comes in the form of her learning her other neighbours name and banging on the fence shouting it continuously.  Apparently the mother appears to be deaf to this as she never stops her and it's fucking annoying!  I'm not going to tell her my name.  It's unwise.

The girl is exceptionally quiet.  I never hear a thing from her (apart from having the worlds loudest sneeze but it's few and far between so therefore forgiveable) and if she lived alone she would make the perfect neighbour.  Almost!  Whilst she is quiet she appears to have a penchant for noisy things.  Her hoover makes a right old racket as does the lawnmower.  I do believe both items are the worlds loudest machines in their category and I do wonder if it mentions this on the box they came in?  On the hoover box for instance:

• 20,000W
• Best ever suction - guaranteed to suck up anything
• 20 stage micro filter mechanism for that little bit extra
• 15 different settings ranging from bush hair to carpet
• Noise technology integration - can be heard from up to 300 miles away
• For best results, use 3 times a day, everyday

I'm sure the same things would written on the box of lawnmower too (except the use 3 times a day everyday bit.)

The worst thing is, I discovered the other week she was expecting again!  I say discovered, you couldn't really miss it.  Huge pregnancy bump kind of gave it away really.  Apparently she's due next month.  (Shows how much attention I pay to the goings on in the street!)  Oh the horror that went through me when I discovered that!  I presume it's the same father.  Will it be as noisy as the current child?  Will the father be on the scene more often?  I'm praying for it to be a boy.  If she has a boy it will mean she can apply for a 3 bedroomed house and go live elsewhere!

Other changes?  Well, my other neighbour - I call her 'The Nose' due to her incredible ability to know absolutely everything - has decided this year that to listen to her suicide music on her own isn't enough so she now has it playing (same CD, on repeat for entire day) fairly loudly so we can all enjoy it - whether we want to or not!  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Daniel O'Donnell is a lovely bloke in person but if I have to hear his dulcet, but suicidal tones much more I think I'm going to ram that CD player so far down her fucking throat that she'll have to stick her hand up her arse to adjust the volume!  It's tiresome having to listen to that shit repeatedly.  I have no idea why she suddenly feels the need to want to play it to the street.  I, for one, didn't ask her to!

Her husband, who is normally ok, has taken to parking his car on the road.  Quite why he is suddenly doing this we're not sure.  They have a drive big enough to fit 2 cars on.  The kerb is dropped.  But every day, when he returns from wherever it is they go, he parks on the street and leaves it there.  This would be fine normally and wouldn't particularly bother me but he has a habit of parking as close as possible to our vehicles which makes manoeuvring into the space extremely difficult.  I'm sure he does it on purpose.  I'm praying for a tornado to come and take out the car and the house.  While it's doing that it can do an about turn and take out the neighbours on the other side too.  Maybe the council will decide it's too expensive to rebuild and let us claim it all as extra garden.

I have so much more to bang on about but my arse is getting numb from sitting for so long so, for now and until the next time, rant over!